NAMES MEAN NOTHING

You can get all drunk sassy and call a grizzly bear a chicken if you want but you'd probably get your intestines torn out and slung across a state park if you tried to pluck it's feathers and fry it. Names and labels are just words and no words (unless you're a wizard) are going to change what something DOES or IS.

When people start to describe themselves to me without my asking, telling me that they're "good girls" or  Christian missionary, Mensa member, Savate champions or whatever, my Spidey Sense tingles.  From years of being gullible, I've learned the difference between SAYING something and DOING+BEING something. Being something is the truth and saying something can reek of bullshit.

In a mid 90's, no-holds-barred style cagefight against names and labels, the TRUTH always wins. By head-stomp K.O.  It doesn't need a sales pitch.

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ANGER LOOKS STUPID

I was talking on my cellphone while driving through a parking lot and like an inattentive douche almost made a left turn into an oncoming car.  ALMOST. I have brakes and know how to use them. I stopped before getting my front tires in the intersection, leaving plenty of room for the car to pass. Instead of JUST passing by, the driver made sure to stop her car in front of mine, honk her horn, scream some jibberish (I think she was asking me out) and give me the finger. THEN she drove off. This is where I was supposed to get upset or turn into a frog or something. I didn't.  I thought it was awesome that she found it important to spend her highly valuable time making me laugh. 

VICTIMS EMBELLISH STORIES

Victims tell shitty stories like Mr. Panic-Pants. (see 06 + 07) Stories like "I was doing such and such and then some awkward shit happened to me and then the world ended." They're like snotty, whiny, broken records. This person did this bad thing to me. That person said that mean word to me. Those robots tried to set me on fire. Whatever.

Victims aren't the most reliable people. I don't trust anyone that wants to dial 9-1-1 every time they stub their toe or misplace their car keys. That's drama. And all that drama happens because their opinions suck. It's a scientific fact.

HATERS ARE WELCOME

If everyone likes what you are doing then you're either:

A) A Liar
B) Dead

If you're doing big, CHAMPION style shit, haters are going to sniff you out and TRY to smack you with their nasty, booger covered hater lips. It's a good thing.

Being BORING won't get you hated on. If you do what everyone else does then no one will care. It's only when you're starting an organic doggie ice cream business, publishing erotic/science fiction  about vegetables or making millions of dollars from flashing your abs on a "reality" TV show do people hate on you.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said "To be great is to be misunderstood."

Translation: Being a CHAMPION gets you hated on.

Haters can only TRY to knock you down if you're standing out. If they're TRYING then it means they care; they just have a funny way of showing their appreciation.

TECHNOLOGY IS DEMANDING

Did you really think that Spartan Buddha was gonna let some machine boss him around?  Just because it's smarter and faster and probably has more friends than he does, doesn't mean he has to listen to it. That's ZOMBIE logic. We're not robot slaves (yet). We don't have to update our statuses every time we scratch ourselves or judo throw our grandmothers out of the way to answer our cellphones. We still run shit. Technology works for most of us. These robots need obedience training and if they don't want to listen, then maybe they need to be cut down...  Where'd that sword come from?

WHY SO SERIOUS?

The Spartan Buddha Bureau of Made Up Statistics states that taking things seriously is responsible for 4309% of all hurt feelings.  Getting dumped, fired or kicked out of a strip club only matters if you give a shit. Life is a joke. The punch line is that no matter what we do, how many babies we save, trophies we win or reality TV shows we star in, we all die.  Cry or laugh about it. 

JOSH CHRISTOPHER + BRUTAL WISDOM

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ROBOTS STEAL JOBS

Robots are smarter and faster than us. They never complain, sleep or call out sick on Fridays. That’s why they will win.

Robots do as they are programmed to. Whether it's calculating numbers or giving shitty phone service, robots will be there doing what humans can do for cheaper and without bad coffee breath. 
If you behave like a robot you will be replaced by one. A champion is no robot. A champion cannot be replaced.

SAFETY IS BORING

The best way to be safe is to do absolutely nothing. Any time you do SOMETHING you take the risk of  twisting you ankle, losing your paycheck or being mauled by a bear.  It's the way of the ZOMBIE, the living dead. Being a dead man isn't exciting but it's safe and comfortable. Quietly rotting away like a walking pile of trash ain't cool. You know what's cool? Skydiving, nunchuck fights with ninjas.  Or whatever.  Zombies suck.

ZOMBIES DON'T HELP

Thanks but no thanks, zombie. No one, especially a CHAMPION like the Spartan Buddha needs your type of help.  He doesn't want to be like the rest of you brainless ZOMBIES running around eating brains because your bored and got nothing else to do. He likes thinking for himself, thank you very much. Eating his brains might make him feel better (or feel nothing) for a little bit but it's not gonna solve his problem. The forecast calls for a 110% chance that he'll figure this out somehow. If you still had your OWN brain you'd know that.

Mistakes Happen

Superheroes are dying. People are crying and Spartan Buddha is having a laugh. (What a jerk.) 
Spartan Buddha may be an ULTIMATE human being but he's still human. That he means he makes mistakes. Like getting sucker punched and choked by some random, giant, robot tentacles. It would be nice if he dodged that attack like a ninja and took care of shit flawlessly Mortal Kombat style, but he didn't. BUT he's not dead either. That's what makes it funny. Step your game up lame-ass, robo-tentacles. NEXT Prob-lem....

SUPERHEROES CREATE SUPERVICTIMS

You've been spoiled, Mr. Panic-Pants.  You can't expect someone to come rescue you every-time you break a nail or fall down a flight of stairs. What you CAN expect: the Transformers movie franchise will continue to get worse, bacon will make your mouth happy and you're gonna get hurt. You're alive so it's on the itinerary, jellyfish. No point in waiting around for someone to kiss your boo-boos and scare away the monsters from under your bed.  Wipe the snot off your nose and do it yourself CHAMP.